no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
