You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
