New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
