I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's blow job season.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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