Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I stole a fireplace last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
