I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
