now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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