Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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