So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
