yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
