can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
