He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
