Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
