We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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