I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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