Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
