I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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