I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
