I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
