Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
