I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
