This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
