Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
