Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
