We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
