I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
