your thong is hanging out like whoa
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
