I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
