I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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