Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
