Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
