Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
His nipple licking is glorious
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