I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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