It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
