you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
