Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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