she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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