he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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