You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
