she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm too high and old for this...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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