the condom got lost in my hair
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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