Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
