god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
