i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
