Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
