The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My cat gives me a boner
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
