I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
