So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
