you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
