Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
