The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
